Saturday, May 14, 2011

Confession #1: This Blog is Pointless

This is my first blog post... on my first ever blog. That's a sad confession to read from a professional writer (especially one who clocks a whopping 64 words per minute with only six errors according to a random WPM test he just found online). More pathetic still, I have no followers, which means that my blog is essentially a diary. That's right, I'm a grown man, keeping a diary. Once a boy begins to shave (or a girl begins to menstruate), keeping a diary really no longer holds the same charm. Even if I was in the basement hiding from Nazis, it would still be lame.

Blog posts look better with images,
so here's one of a leafless tree. 
Here's how this will most likely play out: I'll let a few select friends know that I've started a blog. They'll quickly begin following my every word because it's human nature, our species being so obsessively voyeuristic, to spy on our friends and family -- especially when the view is nothing short of your friend or family member's mind, disrobed. That's right grandma/high school acquaintance, I'm shedding my mental undies and mooning you with my thoughts! Cover your eyes -- this ain't gonna be pretty. 

And then a few days from now, I'll run out of anything worthwhile to say (as if the two previous paragraphs are gems of insurmountable insight) and abandon the whole endeavor. Of course, I could use the forum, this glowing white confessional canvas, as a sort of unresponsive friend who's always willing to lend a cold, gray, lifeless ear -- a dead companion, who is just teeming with life (maggots, bacteria, and flesh eating worms). I'll name him Edgar, and he will be my one true confidant.  

So, I'm now officially a grown man who is both keeping a diary and actively creating deceased imaginary friends. In case you haven't guessed, things are not so great in my world right now. But don't say I didn't warn you: this ain't gonna be pretty.


  1. You put it on Facebook, Monkey. I think more than a "select few" friends know now.

  2. You greatly underestimate how much people really love and admire you...
    And then to be allowed in... Beyond brilliant. Hard, but f'ing brilliant.